I wrote this sometime back, so this one’s from the archives but still stirs the same amount of emotions and connect with the present.
I started framing this in mind since weeks, writing it in the app since yesterday night, and kind of finished it now. And while I really didn’t have anything much to say, I did want to share the confusion, of change. Thinking that, in the process, I’ll be able to open up the knots in my mind, entangled in a mysterious mixture of confusion, sadness, and hazy motivation and hope of the things to come.
Metamorphosis, by the dictionary – a zoology term, means (in an insect or amphibian) the process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages.
And since the time I’ve come across this word and it’s usage for the transformation of a human being, it has been stuck in my head! And everything kind of goes back to it too.
Looking back, even just 3 or 4 years back, what is today wasn’t anything that I must have thought of. I didn’t think of the college I attended when I was thinking of colleges to apply to while in school. I’d not thought of the organisations I worked with when I was planning my career path in college. And obviously, I didn’t anticipate the failures or trails of life when I was daydreaming the ideal life.
Much like everything else good or bad, I think you really can’t plan your life or what happens when. A lot happens to us, somethings beautiful, some ugly stuff too. All unplanned, all that changes us, and all that’s essential. Life happens to us.
And this process of transformation, this metamorphosis, even though really swift at times, and at times quite painful, is what makes us the kind that we have to be.
I might have planned everything in life, the trajectory, the kind of it, the destination – everything! But never could I foresee the kind of emoting it would require, the kind of emotional intelligence it would require to survive it all, the kind of sensitivity or the demotion (detached emotions) it would require. Well, I didn’t even know the kind of friends I would require to help me sail through it all – a very essential part of the journey. This stuff you just can’t predict, can you? Yet, all the of it still fell into place – an aptly placed puzzle piece, each of it, completing the mosaic of life slowly. And while it, this transformation, has been thoroughly chaotic, confusing, demotivating and extremely gravitational in the fact that it creates a lot of inertia to avoid moving forward – it has also been extremely motivating, engaging, inspirational, exciting, surprising, and beautiful.
Would I have it any other way? No. I know a lot, much better now.
I know emotions and phases of the moods – extreme happiness, grief, sadness, utter confusion, exhilaratingly inspired speed, passionate belief, possessiveness, faith, and most importantly hope. I know sensitivity and yet when to be rational and forget the heart. I know what acceptance and denial means.
And weighing it all, the balance has been like walking the tight rope, and thus the adventure that one can call life till now :)
I don’t know if this made sense to you. But, summing it up, this metamorphosis was essential. And we are each going to go through it to be our best selves. To serve our purpose.
My phase may still not be over, or it might have just started again in its next cycle. Can’t say. That confusion will remain.
But thankfully, we are in this together, and will emerge out beautifully balanced, ready and more mature – hopefully. Together, making this journey of life more endearing than it seems on the surface.